Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
