You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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