my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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