dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
