I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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