How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
