I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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