there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
