I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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