I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
