Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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