I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
