did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
