Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
