I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
