so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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