oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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