one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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