I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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