i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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