My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
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I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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