I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
