Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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