What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?