i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
