DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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