Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
