Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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