My sheets look like a crime scene.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
