This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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