i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just had sex bonerless
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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