1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
