Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
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You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
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If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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