i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
