you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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