Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
