he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
