I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
