I don't usually arrange sex via text message
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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