Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The best revenge is premature balding
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
