Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
