Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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