I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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