Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
