you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
