I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
