I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
