Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
