i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
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How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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