The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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