Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
