Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Drunk is a universal language darling
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
