Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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