The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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