She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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